Well he showed us! No sooner did hashtag BunkerBitch get smeared all over the internet than President Trump himself stood erect brandishing a Holy Bible in front of an authentic place of worship, proving that he is in fact fearless–fearless!–in the face of immolation by thunderbolt.

The scene was widely regarded as either a stunt or God’s Word made flesh in the form of Donald Trump, depending on your news source. A large number of people were, however, offended, and even more were taken aback by the use of tear gas and rubber bullets to clear peaceful protestors from the president’s path, or to make straight in the desert a highway for our God, depending on…well. Same thing.

A reporter asked the president if the bible he was holding was his own. Oh c’mon. Of course it isn’t his bible! Even I, as a miniature Lutheran, had my own bible stamped with my name in gold letters. You know the president couldn’t have passed that up. He’d have a bible with TRUMP all over the front with the living hell gilt out of it. And if you opened it up, you’d find all the pages of Song of Solomon stuck together.

What really disturbs me is the number of folks, including Joe Biden, who suggested the president open the book once in a while “because he might learn something.” Holy shit, people. What are you thinking?

What the heck do we think he’d learn? You think peace and love are going to waft out of it? There’s war. There’s rape. Execution. Incest. Child murder.

You think he’s just going to somehow trip over the verse in Numbers where the Lord instructs us to give six sanctuary cities to the refugees? Highly unlikely. Even if he starts at the beginning and tries to work his way through he’s not going to be able to get past the chapter where Lot’s two daughters bed him, one right after the other.

The trouble with earnest liberals everywhere is they assume the bible is basically Jesus’ Sermon On The Mount with a lot of filler on both sides. It’s not. And there’s no assurance he’d learn from it anyway. Donald Trump’s random bible could easily pop open to Matthew: “I have not come to bring peace, but a sword.” Sword! Heh heh. You should see my sword. I guarantee you, there’s no problem.

Or Acts: “And suddenly there came a sound like a mighty rushing wind…and divided tongues as of fire…rested on each one of them. And they were filled with the Holy Spirit.” Sounds like God’s Tear Gas to me.

Or Galatians: “Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.” Hey. In the clear. I don’t drink. Besides I already inherited a nice chunk from my father who art in real estate.

Or John: “You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father’s desires. He has nothing to do with the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies.” Like I always said. I’m a product of superior genes.

Keep the dang book closed. It’s just like the internet: you can “learn” whatever you want to from it. God should sue us for slander for suggesting the thing is His Word.