My trip is almost over, and I’m on the outbound leg. I make my way to 37B, the last row in the airplane, hard up against the potties. This can be looked at as good news or bad news. Depends. I have just finished the Pre-Boarding Process. That is the segment when you sit in the terminal marveling at humanity, wondering whether the pepperoni stick was a good idea after all, and obsessively checking your boarding pass once a minute or so. I’m not sure what the gate agent means by “pre-boarding.” The engine fires up and the tail end of the jet sways languorously from side to side. There is creaking. The back of the aircraft is either the safest or the least safe section to be seated in. The answer is somewhere inside my new tablet device, but it is on Airplane Mode, which is the mode in which questions about aircraft safety are not available.
Oh look! There is the SkyMall magazine. Lisa Rinna is on the cover. I don’t know anything about Lisa Rinna except that she is famous for having voluntarily had her upper lip plumped to the size of a garden slug. Here, she is modeling the Flex Belt, “ab toning at its finest.” It is wrapped around her waist and she is holding a control device attached by a cord to it. She looks like a possible suicide bomber. There are probably images of suicide belts inside my new tablet device, but it is on Airplane Mode.
A safety video is starting up. This airline is devoted to servicing the customer, although I would have thought that would cost $20 extra almost everywhere. In addition, they are willing to go the extra mile. That, actually, is not what I’m looking for in an airline.
Folks, we’re all ready to go here up in the flight deck, and the weather looks good all the way to Portland. Unfortunately, everyone headed north, south, and east has been redirected to our petite runway here, and we’re now sixteenth in line. We expect to be in the air in, oh, about twenty to ninety minutes. [garbled] The reason for the delay is, well, evidently, folks, a butterfly flapped its wings in Mumbai, and…
Lisa Rinna’s personal story is on page 50, but there doesn’t seem to be any point in zipping right to it. I thumb my way through. Oh look! Thundershirts, for dogs and cats. Gentle hugging pressure relieves anxiety during storms, fireworks, and vet visits, and replaces it with deep embarrassment. There are several pages of Life-Compatible Electronics including a DefenderPad to minimize the health risks of laptop radiation. I did not know about this health risk. I could look it up in my new tablet device, but it is on Airplane Mode.
There is a life vest located underneath my seat cushion. In the event of a water landing, I am to slip it over my head and inflate the left side by pulling down on the red tab. If needed, I can inflate the right side in the same manner.
Oh look! The Porch Potty! Finally, your dog has a yard of his own. Here is a box of fake grass, about
2×4 feet, with a toy fire hydrant right on it. No more late night walks down the stairs or elevator to relieve your dog! Perfect for condos. You can put The Porch Potty on your balcony and utilize the outdoor self-drainage hose. Odds are your downstairs neighbors aren’t going to be using their balcony much anyway. Or you can use The Porch Potty right inside with the optional Catch Basin, which holds up to two gallons. The toy hydrant is scented to attract your dog. I ponder the variety of dog-attracting scents there are, and reject Pork Chop as being unlikely to induce urination. It sure sounds like a great idea for that apartment dweller on the go.
What do they mean by “if necessary, the right side can be inflated also?” Who is going to be watching the mighty ocean rear up toward the plane and think “shoot. I’ll be fine with just the one side?”
I’m a little worried about the toy scented hydrant. My first dog was always a little confused by them. He would sniff the hydrant carefully, and then lift the outbound leg. He can’t be the only one. Still, it’s a bother to take your dog outside all the dang time. If you have a little enough one, you can take it out in your purse. It’s cute. I’ve seen it. A lot of the time people extract their purse puppies and set them on the ground, where they tremble and vibrate in horror until they’re put back again. That’s where all the used Kleenex comes in handy.
If more inflation of the life vest is desired, you can also blow into the tube located just at your shoulder.
Oh look! There’s an Elegant Piece of Furniture that looks just like an end table but conceals a cat litter box. The outer hole can be set up on the left or the right to keep it hidden from guests. Elegant Cat Box and Dog Porch Potty are available from the same company. Houseguest-B-Gone.
There’s Lisa Rinna again. She says she is standing behind The Flex Belt, but she’s still standing right in it, with her finger on the trigger.
Hell. I don’t care. I’m pulling on the left tab AND the right tab, and I’m blowing in the tube, too. I’ve been practicing for the tube inflation all my adult life. I am ready.
Do whatever it takes to keep yourself safe, and if inflation floats your boat, go for it. You are an (inter)national treasure.
I'm wearing a fully inflated vest right now in case I fall off my computer chair, and thank you.
I've never looked inside the Sky Mall. Now I think I must, just to see the strange things they offer for your furry friends. 🙂
Oh you must. There is so much more. You will find something you absolutely need. That you had no idea you needed.
Lisa Rinna. Thank you. You've settled the past month's attempt to bubble up the name of the woman with the funky upper lip pretending to eat a Zalad with bacon in the Zaxby's ad. Also, Thunder Shirts don't work, except for the embarrassment part–me and them.
I couldn't personally believe anything but knockout drugs would have worked. July 4th is so much easier now that we don't have a dog.
Have never had nearly the fun looking at Sky Mall as I had this morning reading your account of looking at Sky Mall.
Well thanks, but you should really examine it the next time. It's a treat.
And the last thing they leave you with–a cat litter box. Fortunately you also have tube inflation on your mind.
I'm visualizing the dinner party at which the guests are listening to the cat whacking litter around inside the end table. Or "flushing," as we call it in this house.
That cat with the Thunder Shirt looks thrilled. It looks like it's just waiting for its owner to go to sleep so it can go leave a surprise in their slippers.
I've never had a vindictive cat but my neighbor's cat used to pee on the stove burner. No one would notice until they turned it on.
Can't wait to hear about your return trip.
Oh that WAS my return trip. Sorry!
And the prices for that Sky Mall crap! What sort of altered state do you have to be in to pay $300 for a pair of electric slippers? You can whip out your credit card and buy the stuff right then and there while your feet are freezing and while your oxygen levels are still depleted. Then when the box arrives on your porch, you and your brain can gaze in bewilderment, and point accusatory fingers at one another.
But honey. ELECTRIC slippers. I mean! No price is too high.
With the price we pay for electricity the slippers ought to be free. (South Australia pays one of the highest electricity costs in the world)
Where do you get your juice?
When I was a wee pup in Grade Primary we had the standard reader of the time which went along the lines of "This is Tom. Tom can run. Tom can run fast. See Tom run."
Somehow this post reminds me of The Little Red Story Book, except on steroids, with intermittent panic attacks, crossed with a late-night TV infomercial.
In other words, hilarious!
That's it–you're drafted to write the back cover blurbs on whatever book I put out.
I never found anything in those magazines that I wanted to buy. Suddenly I remember why: I am not the target demographic. Seems you may not be, either!
There is no target demographic called "old enough to not feel the need to buy anything anymore."
How about expand on practicing blowing in the tube all your life.
I'm just curious.
the Ol'Buzzard
Yes you are. You're curious.
I well recall having to sit in that very last seat too, with an engine right outside and no window. Well, I thought, at least I'll be able to stretch out and read. That's when I saw the 500lb man carrying a seatbelt extender undulating down the aisle.
The Porch Potty and the Elegant Piece of Furniture parts were especially hilarious.
I was just thinking–there must be people who are too large to even fit down the aisle, let alone undulate. Aren't there? And hey. I wasn't making that up.
What, no bedside potty so a man does not have to get out of bed at night???
Oh heck, my mom grew up with one of those. I thought it was a soup tureen. Not so much.
no no no, if the potty is bedside, the man still has to get out of bed. What you want is a mattress with a hole in it and a bucket underneath. And no sheets on the bed….
And no woman, either.
Inspiring writing, Murr, it's late at night here and you have me chuckling with your prose. Wonder if that's still legal in this state…
I'm pretty sure it isn't.
Chuckling is illegal??
How about laughing out loud?
Is that okay?
Because I did.
"Murrmurrs" has been included the A Sunday Drive for this week. Be assured that I hope this helps to point even more new visitors in your direction.
http://asthecrackerheadcrumbles.blogspot.com/2013/08/a-sunday-drive_25.html
Thanks Jerry! Man, you got that fabulous photo of my dad and his sisters. People are going to be surprised when they find the Porch Potty instead.
So, the flight experience is a fairly universal one. I had always suspected the lack of oxygen, but in combination with Sky Mall it can be nearly fatal.
Fatal to your wallet, for sure.
Lisa Rinna has an amazing cameltoe.
Now I don't know WHICH end of her to stare at, gape-mouthed.
I think my doctor might once have diagnosed me with tube inflation. Or maybe I misheard. I always listen carefully to those airline safety instructions, and then promptly forget every word. In the event of an emergency, I still wouldn't have a clue what to do and I'd just copy everyone else doing all the wrong things.
I must say that doesn't look much like a fire hydrant to me. It looks like something all too human.
All I know for sure is to put my own oxygen mask on before assisting anyone else, and that's exactly what I plan to do. "Breathe normally" will not, however, be an option.
It pays to be prepared. Not sure if my dogs would take to a porch potty.
I'm guessing if you HAD a porch potty, you're the kind of person who doesn't much mind where they go.
Murr, as usual, you have me hysterical laughing over here.
"I don't know anything about Lisa Rinna except that she is famous for having voluntarily had her upper lip plumped to the size of a garden slug"
– SERIOUSLY.
I'm especially glad. You can probably use some laughs.
The porch doggy garden looks like a fine idea for small dogs, but I'd be worried about the "elegant piece of furniture" beginning to hold the odour of cat box. That sort of smell would permeate quite quickly I'm thinking.
I'd be inflating both sides of the vest too, but I don't think I could blow into the tube, I'd be too busy screaming all the way down to the water.
Ugh. I think the porch potty would completely eclipse the cat box.
A good book on a plane ride would probably satisfy more but would not make as entertaining a post.
Thanks!
I need more sex, ok? Before I die I wanna taste everyone in the world. Hey, i am looking for an online sexual partner 😉 Click on my boobs if you are interested (. )( .)