A local woman is suing a tanning salon for allowing her naked body to be seen by passersby on the sidewalk. In its defense, the salon points out that there is a teeny little sign in the room indicating she might want to lower the blinds. The woman stated that she naturally assumed, when she walked into the room and began to take off her clothes, that the large plate-glass window to the sidewalk was one-way glass. One would think she would have been tipped off by the bleachers set up street-side and the popcorn concession. Also the area set aside for the biology class field trip, where they hoped to observe the leatherization process.
These should have been red flags for the tanner, but we are dealing with someone who is willing to pay thirteen bucks a session to get a nice even start to the cancer season.
Lots of time and money is spent to remodel skin tones in this country. Michael Jackson may have spent the most, when he came down with a particularly virulent form of mythical impetigo and had no recourse but to try to get the patches to coalesce. He and the tanners have in common an urge to acquire an even skin tone, whatever the cost, as long as it isn’t the original even skin tone.
I suppose I could do it too, but I don’t like to part with cash for items not related to food and alcohol. If I did want an even skin tone, it would be difficult to choose which of the dozens of colors already in evidence on my body to go with. As it is, the best I can do is take an average.
Some of the spots need looking at. I developed an odd bump on my arm that stuck around long enough for me to make an appointment with my dermatologist. He was two months out, of course, and the bump had finally disappeared by the time the appointment rolled around, but I kept it anyway, because I believe it cheers up my dermatologist to stare at my skin. Then he gets out his freeze spray and kills portions of it more or less at random. I always try to get him to remove the mole on my eyebrow but he won’t do it, even when I tell him it’s getting bigger. The first time I said that, he put dots around it with a Sharpie and took a Polaroid of it so as to be able to get a baseline measurement of my veracity. He did not remove the ink, or remind me to, and I went around the rest of the day with bright punctuation around my mole in case anyone missed it. Dermatologists get a huge kick out of themselves. This last time I reported it had gotten so large that you could see the movement of the elbows of the alien life-form it contained, but he still put it down as a cosmetic procedure, not covered by insurance. My mole was so delighted by this that it petitioned the city for basic infrastructure and drew up plans for expansion. My dermatologist is correct; I have had this mole all my life, but I know it didn’t used to cast a shadow.
Other things change too. In the last ten years various segments of my body have decided, all on their own, to change color and texture, and you’ve got to admire that kind of initiative. In fact, I’m festooned with dots and lesions. I’ve got perfect camouflage for hiding naked in a vat of Skittles, should the need arise. I know they make pots of face spackle in any shade I might desire, but I don’t plan to invest in any. My plan is to just stick with what I’ve got and then sue people for staring.
"…I don't like to part with cash not related to food or alcohol…"
Neither do I! And you can add music and art to that.
Yep, that life form is definitely growing larger, Murr. Are you trying to scare it with that exacto knife? It is amazing how many things are growing on my aging body, too.
As for the gal in the tanning salon, these things usually happen with people that you'd rather not see naked. Unless the folks at the desk are evaluating the tanners and only putting the hotties in the window.
What I love about my dermatologist now days is everything I eagerly show him for exam, he just says " That is age related". Surely there is a more technical term than that.
I have one of those excrescences above my upper lip. I call it "Clint". It may be all I have in common with the man himself, but it often makes me chuckle when we settle into bed at night, me and Clint.
my 40 yr old SIL has spent 20 years in a tanning bed. Add that twenty to her forty and you get the picture. not a pretty one. she doesn't get the connection though. actually, I'm 60 and my skin looks better than hers.
I've always been pale white but now I'm getting technicolor. every ding and dent on my skin I ever had has come back.
"I believe it cheers up my dermatologist to stare at my skin."
Haaaaaaaaaaaa, loved this post, I empathise so much with everything in it! Yup, you're definitely a keeper, I'm gonna'have to put you on my stalking list..
I hail from a people who typically enjoy a glorious but brief summer. I'm lucky to have escaped most of the ravages of sun damage; having the melanin content of a tiger prawn helps with this. The only thing stopping me in my transition from translucent to bright pink is a generous slathering of SPF 20 to the 5th power or whatever.
I had to laugh about 'leatherization'. A friend took me to the one nude beach in NJ once…actually we walked an adjacent beach, but she wanted me to see that there was, in fact, a clothing optional option in the Garden State. I'll throw some words at you and let you fill in the visuals. Surf-fishing. Webbed folding chairs. Volleyball. Median age 64.
You know, it started out to be a good day. Then I read your comments about the skin changes and their relation to aging.
And now, I just want to put a bag on my head and go back to bed.
Thanks. I only get two days for a weekend, you know.
Also, putting sharp objects near your face isn't a good idea.
Last, I hadn't heard about that news story yet and we're in the same damn city.
Off to Google.
Here you go, Ami, I linked it up there.
And laytonwoman, I hope you and Clint have many happy years together. If I had to say night-night to every odd thing that showed up on my body, it would be like bedtime at the Waltons'. No one would get any rest.
Yup…I've got a "friend" on my cheek who's growing bigger all the time…should probably get it looked at…
People who pay money for tanning aren't very bright…
Back in my stupid days, I spent a bundle at tanning parlors, but it was only $3/session. It's really a wonder I suffered no ill effects (yet).
I've never tanned – my freckles just spread out until they touch each other.
And you've reminded me that I need to call to schedule an appointment with my dermatologist – which means I'll see him in early October.
I took my top two candidates to my doc last month. He looked through his magnifier at both and said, "They are barnacles."
That's his word for age-related stuff.
I've never understood people who go to tanning salons. They're willing to make their skin leathery and increase their risk of skin cancer just to conform to a certain beauty standard? Odd. Me, I'm pale and proud.
"I've got perfect camouflage for hiding naked in a vat of Skittles, should the need arise."
Sounds like something out of a hilarious spy comedy!
Barnacles! That's what they are! I want age-related stuff. Bring it on. I want to see what you can grow on you when you're 110.
What is this waiting stuff to see a doctor? One of the terrible curses of Canadian health care according to Americans is that we have waiting times to see doctors while Americans (with money of course) just walk in off the street to see famous specialists.
40 year old women with farmer skin they paid money for makes no sense at all, cancer or no.
The woman suing the tanning salon better not win that case. Great picture by the way, goes with that story so well.
I thought you and I were in the same league. But no, you have health insurance.
"…the leatherization process" THAT is priceless! And will now be stuck in my mind every time I see a tanning salon or a recipient of their services.
I know there is a book somewhere called "Lawsuits for Idiots" that is about to be on the best seller list. The creativity of the aging process never ceases to amaze me. One side of my face is aging faster than the other. Now, when I go to social events, I wear a Phantom of the Opera mask. People are blown away by how young I look.
Sue people for staring, what an excellent idea, could be very lucrative. Staring after all is a form of trespass. Who invited them onto my corporeal territory? I shall consult my lawyer first thing in the morning and serve writs on all the neighbours.
"…sue people for staring." That's what I'm talking about! Stick it to the man on the street for prejudice against the Pied Beauties among us. I'll enact an on the spot citizen's arrest: "In the name of Gerard Manly Hopkins, I charge you with criminal tone-ism!"
At last, my retirement is assured.
p.s. My husband's dermatologist refused to be moved by the giant thing on his forehead. Eventually, he went to a guy with a aesthetics practice who didn't hesitate to freeze that sucker off. All healed. Looks fabulous.
In the country I came from, people do everything to stay pale and faint looking, a sign (and standard) of beauty passed down from thousands of years ago. This made me chuckle, as memories of ladies downing long sleeves, wide brimmed hats and umbrellas whenever out in the sun pop into my mind.
I"m with the umbrella ladies, Shopgirl, but only because as an Oregonian, the sun makes me fretful.
And Nance, did you even know that Gerard Manley Hopkins was a huge influence on me? "Pied beauty." Don't think I won't steal that.
When I step out the front door and my shoulder-dwelling "ohmigawd I'm growing another head" mole casts its shadow, it means six more weeks before my dermatologist will have an available appointment.
I'll never be able to look at a bag of Skittles the same way again. Just out of curiosity, are you morphing into a particular flavor? 'Tropical' probably isn't possible, given you live in Oregon. 'Wild Berry' perhaps?
Hmm. Truth, I'm probably better disguised in a vat of M&Ms, but not the new M&Ms–the old ones (of course) before the commies replaced light brown with blue.
Passersby get to view naked people in a tanning booth–Where do you find this stuff?? PS love the photo of the roasting chickens!
Sue people for staring? That cracked me up.
My wife has tons of colorful spots on her back, I like to stare at them and see if I recognize any of the more common celestial constellations.
One tome one of those spots turned out to be not so cute, though, and a dismissive diagnosis by a dumb-shit primary care physician almost killed my wife until I insisted she go back and have a biopsy of that spot. It was Melanoma.