Big Dick–that’s what he likes to be called–ushered the New Guy into the Situation Creation Room.
“Welcome to Operation Peg-Leg, the home of the R’s. Everybody, this is the New Guy.”
“Arrrr,” everybody said, raising a hooked finger. The New Guy smiled. “So this is where the magic happens,” he said, tentatively hooking his finger in response.
Big Dick swept his hand over the room. “As you can see, we’re grouped into our constituencies–you’ve got your gun groups over there, your religious, etc., etc.,” he said. A pair of Log Cabin Republicans waved from the most remote corner, behind a sneeze guard. “You’re just in time to have a look at the latest material.” Everyone turned to the big screen.
President Obama was speaking into a nest of microphones with an inner-city elementary school in the background. “We must make sure all our children, wherever they live, are given the attention they need to succeed, rich or poor, rural, or urban.”
The New Guy frowned. “I don’t know. That doesn’t give us much to work with. It’s hard to argue with. And he looks presidential.”
The gang chuckled. “Show us some of that magic, Charlie,” one said. Charlie poked away at a computer while the gang brought the New Guy up to date. “Ta-da,” Charlie said, after a few minutes. The news clip was replayed.
Obama frowned into the microphones. “We must make…all our children…where…att-urban,” he said. The New Guy’s mouth dropped open.
“Whoa. Really? That’s incredible. But it’s all choppy. He looks like he’s jerking around. Who’s going to buy that?”
“‘Jerking around,’ or ‘looking shifty?'” Big Dick said, slapping the New Guy on the back. “And hear this: there is nothing that can’t be sold. Right, boys?”
“Arrrr,” the boys agreed.
“Still,” the New Guy said. “That doesn’t seem fair.”
Everyone in the room burst out laughing. “Oh my god, he’s adorable,” came a voice behind the sneeze guard, earning quelling stares all around.
“Don’t be a child,” Big Dick said. “Life is not fair. Look. We knocked down wages everywhere by shifting jobs out of the country, and we put the savings into our own pockets, and got the people to think it’s the fault of the last two union workers left. And once we finish off the unions, there will be nothing to keep wages from hitting bottom. We invented credit derivatives and other things even we don’t understand and sucked all the money out of the housing market, and got the people to think we need to get regulators off our back. We’re sitting on the biggest pile of money since God hit the lottery and we got the people to think we shouldn’t pay taxes, in case we start creating jobs, even though we’ve done just the opposite. And you want fair?”
“It’s not that. But this–” the New Guy pointed at the screen–“it’s not really true, is it? I mean, can we say that?”
“You want truth or you want the money? Can’t have both. But don’t worry. No one needs to tell a lie here. All we do is air the controversy on Fox. ‘Some say Obama wants to make our children wear a turban. Sources in the White House are silent on the issue. If Obama truly does not have plans to compel our children to wear a turban, why has he not issued a forceful denial?’ Like that. We can get three days out of that, easy. Then we send it over to our viral e-mail department.”
“And that will do the trick?” the New Guy said, watching the new tape in a loop. As it became more familiar, the President was indeed starting to look more shifty than spastic. His eyes snapped back and forth. He didn’t look trustworthy at all.
“Count on it. Between the erosion of critical thinking we’ve achieved by weakening our public schools and the deadening influence of reality TV, we’ve got over half the population unable to put together a coherent sentence. But they can click on ‘forward’ like nobody’s business.”
“That’s the part I was wondering about, actually. I can see how we’re driving the pro-life people to vote for us, and the anti-gay–sorry, guys–“
Sheepish grins and shrugs could be made out from behind the sneeze guard.
“–but how are we supposed to pick up the folks who are so dumb they can’t even be bothered to go to the polls?”
“Everybody’s got something that’ll light a fire under them. And it’s our job here to figure out what it is. Oh look–new grist for the milll,” Big Dick said, turning back to the screen. Obama was speaking into a nest of microphones, the seal of the President majestic behind him.
“Make no mistake: we will swiftly institute a strong response to attacks by those intent on jihad on any of our friends and allies, including Turkey.”
Charlie grinned and went to work. Members of the viral e-mail department looked over his shoulder, and then burst out laughing.
To: all
Subject: VIDEO OBAMA DOESNT WANT YOU TO SEE
Its not enough for the Obamacrats to confiscate our guns and make us drive tiny underpowered cars and force us to wait ten months for heart surgery under little squiggly light bulbs. Hes really gone to far this time, take a look at the video if you can stand it, its right there in front of us, but the lamestream media dont want you to see it:
[video: “WE WILL SWIFTLY INSTITUTE A TAX ON JERKY”]
Forward this to everyone you know!
Seeing the strange republican aliens that are running for president I was prompted again to look for a nation I can escape to if in fact one of them wins in November. Belize has accepted me but after much thought I fear that is no where near far enough away from the asylum above the Rio Grande.
Funny but I wonder how close to the truth you have come.
You are such an excellent writer! I could picture this so clearly.
Well said. "Wag the Dog". None so blind as those who cannot see.
I often hold my nose and vote, but I have to avoid that crowd altogether. They offer me nothing. The only person in "public service" that gets me even cautiously optimistic is Elizabeth Warren but she's in Mass. Maybe some day I will be able to vote for her for something.
Many continue to hold a grudge against Obama because, two weeks after his inauguration, he didn't turn the economy around and get offered a job. That alone will render him a one term president.
Pretty sickening, isn't it?
You had me at "Big Dick". I'm easy.
Brilliant and spot-on. You should work it into a script for SNL or South Park, just dumb-down the folks in the Situation Creation Room a tad. Throw in some nonsense about Ubeki beki beki stan stan and "life begins at conception"; oh and don't forget the 3 things Perry can't remember. And poor Mitt changes his position so often he can't keep it straight (Don't forget the "Mitt face").
One of my favorite posts of all time.
Perfect!
I could swear I heard this verbatim in the background of Faux "News". Maybe I was hallucinating, but it all seems like a bad trip at this point. I heard Mitt referred to as a "serial windsock".
Aaaar, and a wave of the hooked finger from a right…conservative granny…
Serial windsock! Arrrr! I am getting such a kick out of the Rs' obvious discomfiture with the Mitters. One bunwad after another gets elevated until he/she finally says something too stupid even for Bubba, and then they look around for the next hope. Two weeks ago they finally coalesced around Mitt and then Newt came charging up on the inside. I'm trying, compassionately, to imagine I was an actual Republican and think how disconsolate I would be by now.
Cog, I don't write as many political pieces as I might, because I depend on hyperbole, but no matter how outrageous a scenario I come up with, it's already happened, and someone is serious about it. As the man says, How do you make this stuff up?
Thank you, Jo. R.J., I wouldn't be at all surprised if Elizabeth Warren is our 2016 candidate for President.
I, too, hope that Elzaveth Warren will be in a position to run in 2016. We need an intelligent, woman with a strong vice president, and a whole bunch of us supporting the issues.
Do we 'liberals' go into a deep depression and a state of "But what can I do?" because the conservatives proposals are so off track, we can't deal with it?
It is mind-boggling. Now the issues with Personhood are even scarier—if there is still a hierachy of scariness left.
Murr, you need a syndicated column to restore us to sanity. Someone beyone the choir has got to hear you!
You have written my political manifesto. We're so much in agreement about the points you covered that it's uncanny. I didn't think anyone else was that cynical. (I mean that in a good way.)
Oh, my dear. Pure gold again. The Republicans really are the gift that keeps on giving, aren't they. Why is it that everything shitty for the country is just so damn good for comedy?
I'm too depressed to comment on your post. But I just noticed the Field Report video. Might have always been there, but I'm not very observant. I loved it. You are my hero. You write because you write. Simple enough. But I'm always in conflict with myself about that. I want to be you when I grow up.
Sad but true. I, the eternal optimist, keep thinking nobody in their right mind would vote any of these idiots into the Presidency. Then facing reality I think again and get really depressed…. 🙁
Boomerlane, oddly enough, I didn't write much for the 30+ years I was a letter carrier. I'd write funny poems and letters to the editor but that was pretty much it. But I did spend a lot of time with music and art. Now those have taken a back seat to the writing. I'll never regret having a decent middle-class job that allowed me to keep my mind free to pursue whatever it would. Trying to make a living at art/writing would have added unwelcome stress to it. Punching a time-clock is underrated.
Ah yes, the right wing spin machine – no, make that the lie machine. The problem is that it's all too true and that so many ignoramuses eat up the lies and then vote for these clowns. What a terrifying place this will be if one of them gets elected or if the "Tea-Taliban" gains Congressional seats. Nevertheless, thanks for your wit and creativity. It's a blessing to be able to chuckle about such things.
I don't know which I fear most: that meetings like this one take place (and it's clear that some do), or that there are so many earnest conservatives who believe that the European plan of governmental austerity combined with tax breaks for wealthy corporations will save the economy. I'm convinced their economics are simply faulty…dangerously, direly so.
Okay, I've decided. Some are dead wrong and others are eager to boost them into power by whatever nefarious means they can employ. I'm a-skeered of 'em all.
Back slap, Murr.
Arrrrggggh!
Loved it! Good news is I am in MA and will get to vote for Elizabeth Warren, bad news is Barney Frank is not running for re-election. My favorite quote of his: "They believe that life begins at conception, but ends at birth."
Sadly, whatever happens "over there" will be reflected "over here."
But it's nice to have a laugh along the way.