After reading about astrology I’ve realized how important it is to keep tabs on the planets (not to mention the moon and sun and the Black Moon of Lilith, which is not even a thing). Otherwise you won’t know what they’re up to and will be forced to let life proceed along as it will, without any supervision.
My advice? Keep an eye on Mars in particular. That’s one aggressive sumbitch.
You probably saw the exciting news the other day on the internet, the world’s greatest source of content. Mars was going to get closer to Earth than it had been for 60,000 years and would look as big as the moon! There was even a picture of Mars as a giant tortilla in the sky. Any closer and it would dribble its canals on us. Mars is a very masculine planet and wouldn’t think twice about doing that. This was going to go down on July 27th during the full moon. It was going to veer our way sudden-like, go “boogah-boogah,” and then peel off to see other planets.
Alas. As is often the case, this was old, recycled news, like when you find out some actor died but he actually did it fifteen years ago. The real authentic tortilla hoax happened in 2003, when Mars made another close approach. It hadn’t been that close since giant sloths slowly roamed the Earth, and wouldn’t come that close again for 35,000 years. Don’t bother to mark your calendars. We’ll have been gone as a species for 34,850 years by that point.
The sky show was nevertheless a fine thing to watch. People should always watch planets, or at least track them on the internet, so they’re not taken unawares. For instance, Mercury is in retrograde again. I know, I know. Happens all the time. Somebody should explain to Mercury that nobody’s falling for that shit anymore.
|This explains everything.|
Unfortunately for everybody, good old Mars is also in retrograde. Didn’t even hear about that did you? Planets are in retrograde when, from our perspective, they appear to be moving backwards. They aren’t, they’re just trundling around the sun as usual, but because the goatherds of yesteryear thought they were backing up, we have heritage anxiety about it to this day. We can blame a number of things, from flabby thinking to pox to bad sex, on planets being in retrograde. Or we could just crack a textbook.
But wait! There’s more! Six planets are currently in retrograde. That’s probably one asteroid shy of sending the whole solar system off the rails. Basically you should hole yourself up indoors with cable TV and lay low for a while. It’s like when all the women in the dorm get their periods at the same time. Same advice applies.
Well, I’m sold. I got my natal chart done by the Googles. That’s it, right up there. I have a Taurus Ascendant. The body of a woman with a Taurus Ascendant, it says here, will tend to develop as the archetype of the ancient Greek goddess Aphrodite. The breasts may be larger than average, and the hips may be wider. I don’t know. I do know just about everything on my natal chart is below the belly button. Even my zodiac chart is sagging.
I made sure to check on Mars. My Mars is in Virgo, or would sure like to be. Now that the horny bastard is in retrograde, I am informed that this can be a tough time for us Libras. I was advised to try to relax. “When Mars glides back into Capricorn on the 12th of August, expect inner anxieties to come out. Try to decompress a bit by taking long walks and mindful meditation.”
Duly noted. After the 12th, I’m going right back full bore into reckless driving and overeating.
That is sooo complicated! No wonder astrologers get paid a lot of money to figure these things out! I sure am glad you understand. It almost makes sense the way you interpret it.
Wait a minute. Astrologers make a lot of money? I think you owe me a nickel.
What's a nickel?
You know, before the present administration, I felt kindly and indulgent about astrology. Now I hate it, and all such antiscientific indulgences, passionately. I don't like hating things, but there it is. It's a frame of mind that's working, very successfully, to destroy everything I love. (The frame of mind, quickly summarized, is: Everything Is All About Me and I Don't Need Evidence I Already Know It's True Because It Sounds Right.)
Gee, Dale, who could you possibly be referring to?
excellent summary, Dale!
I'm with you all the way, Bud.
I heard that!
Well, I can agree with holing up in the house and reading (as opposed to cable TV) because that's my preferred way to spend time anyway. Isn't that convenient? 🙂
I keep seeing something reddish glowing next to the moon the last week or so – is that Mars? I'm assuming it is. It's neat to see it so clearly with just my eyes. And my glasses.
I do believe that is your man.
Astrology and Horoscopes are (oddly enough) like Statistics: you can make them "mean" anything, if you just read them the right way.
I'm afraid I'm one of those people who doesn't find much meaning anywhere. Seems to be how I was wired.
Every Leo horoscope I've ever read seems to be written for every other Leo out there, not me.
Excellent Summary, Dale!
'We'll have been gone as a species for 34,850 years by that point.' You think we have that long? I had never pinned you as an optimist (or not to that extend).
I was being generous. Thanks for noticing. I am an oddball: a cheerful pessimist. I have an optimistic nature that has bumped up against a bleak reality, but I'm not the sort of person who can stay down for long.
And some of us were a little worried that Nancy Reagan's astrological leanings ruled the Oval office…
I'm an optimist with velcro patches…I tend to pick up a fair bit of sarcasm.But don't worry about it, I manage to leave most of that stuff in the ether.
Seems like if we could've slipped our own (unprincipled but right-thinking) astrologer in there, we might have made some progress in that administration.
"Any closer and it would dribble its canals on us. Mars is a very masculine planet and wouldn't think twice about doing that." Will an umbrella protect me?
Maybe a rubber one.
I see astrology as a filter, sometimes as a lens. It's a tool for shifting your focus, bringing things to attention, shifting habitual perspective. Sometimes it's helpful to pay attention to colors that may not be our favorite color. It's like the magic of tea, or butter on toast: a touch of grace.
That's an interesting perspective in itself. I can't buy it though, myself. I am not a Seeker. For me, it just doesn't get any better than reality. Such joy!
I don't understand that chart at all, the only thing I recognise is my red Leo squiggle.
I hope you had sunscreen on all that exposed skin.
Everywhere except a little Libra symbol on my butt.
Easy for you to say. We can't look at planets, retrograde or not, down here in the Rogue Valley, because we now live under a semi-permanent smokescreen (until/unless it ever rains again). Maybe it's because of the chemtrails, like my nutso astrology-loving, antivax, radio wave-phobic acquaintances think. I'd love to see a planet or even a sun again.
Oh man. We have a bit of smoke haze but not enough to even smell. We were down in the Rogue Valley last year though–gad–you should get at least one year's break!
In the western US, Mars is rising at about 8:00 pm and setting at about 4:00 am — so best seen about midnight, low on the southern horizon. It is gorgeous, if you like that sort of thing 🙂
I'll bet you didn't even need to look that up.
This is the advantage of living right smack downtown in an East Coast city — we haven't seen any stars in the sky for at least a decade. So all this folderol about who is retrograding is moot.
It is here, too.
Is Uranus in retrograde too? That would explain a lot about Trump.
Why, yes it is! You fresh thing.