Most people shop for clothing online now, so getting a good fit is more important than ever. I appreciate the websites that have a good way of doing that because if the clothing doesn’t work out you have to spend $60 send it back to China for your $19 refund. I haven’t done much shopping online because I haven’t done much shopping. My closet is filled with the four or five things I actually wear and piles of things I haven’t worn in ten years but totally might someday.
The first thing I tried to buy online was a bra. They had an elaborate sizing system set up so I was encouraged, because my personal filling comes in elaborate sizes. First was a cartoon of various typical breast arrangements: which looked most like me? Far apart, close together, high, low, round, tubular, flapjack? I checked a box and went on. Weight? Body type? Check check. What brand of bra in my closet fits best and what size is it? Check. Can I take a photo of my breasts straight on? In profile (L, R)? Pressed against a glass coffee table and taken from underneath? While reclining on a fur rug?
Finally a conclusion was reached and I was presented with my correct bra size and a dick pic from my delivery driver. Would I like to save my settings by opening an account with the company using the last six digits of my Social Security number? Sure! That sounds handy.
The whole experience was so satisfying that I ventured into buying pants from a reputable company not based in China. This company too had a system set up to assure correct sizing. What is your height? What is your weight? What is your inseam?
Oo! Oo! I know that one! Your inseam is the exact height of a fence you can climb over without slicing your nuts off (if applicable) or sinking in an inch deep, plus one inch. Oh. They wanted an actual number. All right, check.
How old are you?
Hey, now. This is a little off-putting. One would like to pretend that the height and weight has covered most of the issue, but clearly the company has found that contents may have shifted over time. Which is probably true, but still. I’d like to think my relatively sturdy ass has maintained its profile, but in truth I can see I’m getting closer to the borderline of Mudflap City. But isn’t that why you buy pants? To mold your personal custard into a predetermined attractive container?
There were several ranges of age to check, but the final one was “over 65.” Evidently all the damage has occurred by then, you’re not getting any better, and you’re about to be slotted into stretch pull-ups whether you like it or not.
The very same information could have been obtained if they displayed a variety of produce and asked which best represents your body type: peach, apple, pear, big sack of potatoes.
Well, I was making great progress with the size chart. What brand pants in your closet fits best, and what size are they? There was a choice of four brands. One of which was their brand. Gosh. Seems to me they could save a lot of time right there if you already had their brand.
You could also sort through their jeans by leg shape. Now we’re talking! My leg shape is pretty nice, I’m told. Well-turned ankles, and shapely, as far as they go, which is not very far. (That’s where “petite” comes in. “Petite” does not mean small. It means short. You can stack enough flesh on you to make a whole other person, and as long as it doesn’t get far off the ground, you’re “petite”.)
Turns out they’re not interested in my leg shape although I would have been happy to tell them or even send pictures. They want to know what shape jeans you want. You’ve got your straight-leg, your boot-cut, your “relaxed” (heh), or your boyfriend. My what?
I looked it up. Boyfriend jeans are “slouchy denim pants with a loose fit through the thighs and waist, meant to capture the look a a person borrowing their boyfriend’s worn-in jeans.” You can also order them with Cheeto crumbs and a poop streak.
Heh, I calls ’em my Dad Jeans, because they were that, literally (sans the extra [snort-worthy] ‘decorations’.)
I don’t think my Dad had any jeans. I do remember in the late ‘Sixties he was complaining that they made pants too tight. Awful to be, like, sixteen years old and watch your own dad plucking his pants out of his crack. In retrospect, I don’t blame him.
Those jeans look verrrrrrry comfortable. Meanwhile, I sure had a good laugh over the bra sizing! Pressed against a glass coffee table? Reclining on a fur rug did me in. This is ironic, as a couple years ago I sold my car and do most of my clothes shopping online. Very frustrating experience. Last week I spent at my sister’s house where she lives near a Walmart and Target. It was so nice to go in to a real store and try on a couple pairs of jeans like the old days, and shop for a new raincoat. I was able to get both in the perfect size, and aside from LL Bean (the only company I know that sells the perfect pocket t-shirt) any more clothes shopping will be done in a brick and mortar!
Good for you! And everyone! I have sort of solved a lot of this by discovering I don’t want to buy anything anymore.
Wait a minute,,, don’t sell yourself short! You previously posted a picture of body parts which I mentioned ‘caught my attention…’
Honey, you ain’t even seen all of them. You should see my colonoscopy post.
Doug M, I recommend Duluth Trading for t-shirts. Particularly fond of the Long Tailed T.
I always hated trying on clothes. My mom liked to my brother and sisters and me clothes shopping in the fall. Hated that with a deep and abiding passion.
I hate clothing stores. Inevitably I end up in some stupidly long line at the register where they hit me up for a credit card application. I have to try on any pants I’m thinking about buying because the sizing isn’t consistent.
I haven’t had that problem with online clothing purchases. Except for shoes. Brick and mortar shoe stores were rare in my area before COVID, but there was one I could count on to have shoes that fit me. COVID put that one out of business.
I’ve had no luck buying shoes online. I purchased the same model, same size shoe from the same company on Amazon. They were labeled properly on the box and on the label when they arrived, but either my feet grew (unlikely) or the Chinese cobblers have a different sizing system.
Your feet got fat, punkin.
I used to get most of my clothing from consignment shops. But now that I know what brands flatter me the most and what size to get them in, I do most of my clothes shopping online. Sizes are irrelevant, as some companies have smaller sizes, some larger, for the exact same measurements. “Vanity sizing”, it’s called. Same with shoes. I can take anywhere from a 6 to a 7, depending on brand. I know now that Boden has the best dresses for me, and is pretty accurate on sizing. With another company, I can find shoes that fit. Still another company for bras and tights. I don’t like having to take stuff back either, and have a deduction taken out of my refund for postage. It seems to me that if you can’t guarantee that THIS measurement will match THIS size, it should be on you.
I get my dresses from Omar the Tentmaker.
Hey, now. Don’t knock the stretchy pull-ups. My favorite jeans are straight leg pull-ups from Liverpool in LA. When I found that the fit perfectly and were so comfy, I ordered a pair in every wash or color. They launder well, too. I’m not a snappy dresser, but that doesn’t make me an indescriminate shopper. And I hate brick +mortar shopping: dressing rooms, clerks’ suggestions, dressing and redressing ‘til you’re limp. Yuck.
Yeah, I hate that too, but I haven’t been real successful at the online kind either. I’ll check those out.
Maybe I should look into the “boyfriend” jeans next time I shop. They look comfy.
What I have hanging in my closet must be girlfriend jeans. I never knew!
What a way to start your day! Big belly laughs! I’m sitting on my back patio and hope my NextDoor neighbors weren’t woken by my cackle!
Although, it is spring and it could sound like a new breed of bird in the hood.
I appreciate your humor.
Guaranteed, NextDoor neighbors will waken at anything. And report you.
Gloria Vanderbilt (which stretch but don’t look as if they do) is my go-to jeans brand. They’ve actually got two sizes for short people: Short and Petite. I don’t know the difference except I expect the Petite have a slightly different distance from waist to crotch perhaps. Either fit me at 5 feet and 168 lbs; and yeah, nothing “petite”about me, lol.
I happen to have a pair of GV pants that have unfortunately been downgraded to my gardening pants, and yes, they fit great. So I plugged them into the Jeans Sizing thingie and ordered some jeans, and I couldn’t have gotten them up with Vaseline and a shoehorn.
I’m afraid that I’m at the point where, if I want to wear jeans, I need to get ones with elastic waistbands. I like “skinny jeans.” But since menopause, my waistline has been inching up. I’ve had to relegate so many pants and skirts to the Goodwill bag that I’ve decided that if it doesn’t have an elastic waistband, i won’t buy it. Probably doesn’t help that I’ve been doing less exercising, but just as much eating and drinking.
I wistfully recall the day, MANY years ago, when the clerk where I was buying a shirt said something like “That will look good on you; thin guys can wear that!” A year earlier, nobody would have said such a thing to me, nor a year later, or any year since.
I just unearthed a photo of me at my adult skinniest, and it too was a fleeting thing.
We don’t get Gloria Vanderbilt here which is a shame because I am the exact same size as Mimi Michalski.
Maybe you can work out some hand-me-overs.