My buddy Walter, who is always watching over me the way Jesus watches over other people (everybody needs somebody), told me to tell my web-ma’am to update my copyright to 2022 on this site. So I did. She wrote right back. “I also updated all your plugins in the backend of your site,” she said.

Thank you? I said.

She charges a bit for that but that is how it should be. This is fine with me as I prefer to not even think about my backend plugins and in any case that sort of service usually costs a lot more on the street. And if things go too far we’re talking deductibles and a copay.

Honestly, I didn’t even feel those backend plugins, but then again they make these things out of software. I read here that you can get them in Chrome, though, so it pays to be vigilant.

My web-ma’am helpfully explained that her vigilance “keeps your site secure and keeps anything (like a web bot) from coming in a backdoor thru any of your plugins and hacking your site.” I really wasn’t aware that this was a possibility. Now I’m worried the next time I see the doctor she’s going to fumble around at my backdoor and tell me to turn my head and hack.

The most adorable thing about my web-ma’am is that she imagines I understand what she is talking about. Because she explains all this stuff and I’m all “Huh” or “Uh-huh” or “Huh?”

To her, or anyone trying to communicate with me? Be advised there are a lot of holes in my personal operating system, and although many of them are the spaces left behind when an idea vanishes into thin air, a lot of them are rabbitholes. Which means that when I’m not otherwise engaged—such as when I have no idea what someone is talking about—I’m going to take a trip down a rabbithole, and I might not reemerge in time to reenter the conversation plausibly.

Let’s take plugins as an example. As an abnormally language-sensitive person, I’ve always had trouble reading the word “plugins.” I want to put a hyphen in there. And in the absence of such hyphen, I read the word as “ploo-gins,” which immediately brings to mind some bizarre long-snouted fish in the deeps, and if something is going in its backdoor, that is entirely to be expected; all kinds of terrorist crap happens in the ocean. That’s why I don’t go in it. The plugins, as epitomized by the bristle-backed spiny plugin, are possibly related to the eelpout, and in any case are already bottom-dwelling, so intimate invasions are a likelihood, in my mind.

Yes, it’s all in my mind. Welcome to the funhouse.

I will peek out of my rabbithole long enough to acknowledge that hyphens are a pain in the ass. They were a pain in the ass on the typewriter, where they ask a lot of your pinkie, and they’re even more a pain in the ass on a phone, where you have to flip over to the numbers keyboard. Nobody likes hyphens. “Plugin” it is.

So I looked it up.

Plugins, it says here, are all about providing usability, functionality, availability, compatibility, and accessibility. I would hope mine would also support perspicacity, irascibility, and fragrance. I’ll check with my web-ma’am.

Also, according to the Googles, “the back-end application may interact directly with the front-end.” I tried that once. It doesn’t work out as well as you’d like, especially if you’re over a foot shorter than your partner. Not to worry: evidently the whole plugin thing is already being replaced by browser extensions, and I’m just vain enough to want them.

Just not on my back end.